Barbados, Caribbean, Life

#RawTransparencyPost

28 August

Looking out over the beauty that is Barbados…

When I started this journey, and by extension this blog, I promised myself I was going to be very blunt, very real, very honest. As some of you know, I am trying to find my “why” in this life, my purpose, my reason for being here other than my son. I’ve been searching for this why for almost 40 years and, at the start of my fifth day in Barbados, quite literally the most beautiful place I’ve ever lived, I feel like I’m further from knowing that than ever before.

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Land at 3… Beach at 6…

Work… Gym… Repeat. Even with the mental struggle is real 🙂

Here are the facts: We’re in between contracts at the start-up, so I haven’t had any real income since the beginning of July. My main side gig also decided to do a reshuffle at the beginning of July, and as a result work there has been inconsistent and lackluster to say the least, ie: what used to be a guaranteed 4-5k a month has now turned into a dismal 1k, if that. I scaled my creative design business way back when I agreed to come onboard (this was a mistake on my end, I own that) at the start-up, so income there is slow as well. Then add my “guaranteed” investment is in limbo… let’s just say, I’m struggling, to say the very least. And as a person who unfortunately ties the majority of her self-worth to her financial viability, to say I’m also struggling mentally would be an understatement as well.

Even writing this is serving as a reminder (after a 9 AM breakdown session with my bestie allowed me to ugly cry the emotion out) that I need to refocus on me, and on the reason I’m even able to write this from a cyrstal-clear beach in Barbados.

For the first time since starting my business and betting it all on myself in 2019, I’ve had no significant income in almost two months. This is unacceptable. I am better than this, and to be completely honest, I mad at myself for believing the start-up was my “answer”, my “pay-off” for the almost two plus decades of trauma, and struggle, and not giving up because, if nothing else, I knew/know I am capable of more. When I started my business in 2018/2019 I did so because I was tired of other people’s limitations or perceptions dictating my success. In April 2018, I left a company I’d been with since 2012, because I had risen through the ranks as much as possible and hit the ceiling (and not a glass ceiling, think, CONCRETE). So I left, with no bad blood (in fact, my boss/the owner of that company is still a client to this day), and joined a cybersecurity company as their head of marketing and business development. Flash forward to three days before Thanksgiving that same year, when the partners decided to go there separate ways and dissolve the company, leaving me without a job, benefits, any income, ideas on what I was going to do next.

That was it for me. That was what it took for me to roll the dice and live and die, succeed or fail, on my own terms. I decided to start my own business and it failed, or I couldn’t pay my bills, it would be 100% on me. I wholly owned my successes and failures. It was scary, but liberating… and for four plus years I made it happen. But as any entrepreneur knows, burnout happens, imposter syndrome happens, and you question, over and over again, if you’re doing the right thing. Flash Forward to April 2023, the opportunity to work with a friend and start a tech company landed in my lap, (shiny object syndrome). While I would never say its been all bad, that’s far from the truth, the last few months have reminded me why I bet it all on myself five years ago, that none of those core reasons, positive or negative, have changed… and I realize, it’s probably time to do that again.

But time will tell. I’m thankful for the work I’ve done on myself over the last few years, specifically since starting this journey in March, as I no longer act as emotionally or impulsively as I have in the past. I am working on focusing on what I can control, and letting the rest fall where it may. Even writing this is serving as a reminder (after a 9 AM breakdown session with my bestie allowed me to ugly cry the emotion out) that I need to refocus on me, and on the reason I’m even able to write this from a cyrstal-clear beach in beautiful Barbados (the beauty I’ve yet to fully be able to appreciate because of where I am mentally and emotionally) to begin with.

New day… New tan lines…

These next few years are about me. About healing the decades of trauma and fixing the damage that has kept me from being my best self all this time, that keeps me searching for my “why” as opposed to just giving up altogether. I know I am capable of more, and I know I am destined for more… I just need to let it happen, and build the best Jessica I can in the interim.

Now if you need me… I’ll be at the beach…