Asia, Life, Popular, Thailand, Travel

Failed Plans, Skydiving, and the Art of Starting Over

21 August

Ooooowweeee it’s been a minute, hasn’t it?! A lot of things have happened since my last real-life update post after my trip to Cambodia back in June. And while, once again, things didn’t go quite according to plan, I constantly find myself remembering that, if I’m being honest, there really never was a plan to begin with. Actually, scratch that. There was a plan, and it failed miserably.

When I originally decided to move overseas, I was making over 10k per month. Between a full-time gig at a tech start-up, the little bit I still had coming in from my freelance design business, and a singular investment, I was making more money than I ever had in my life. But as I mentioned in other posts, two decades of being in crushing debt, surviving as a single mom, and living in a divided country with an ever-skyrocketing cost of living, still made that amount feel as if I was just on the net-positive line of living paycheck to paycheck.

Back in Bangkok… Back with my Baby… and Back on my Bullshit 😀

No caption needed…

So last January, after yet another existential crisis while driving for Uber Eats (because what’s one more side gig when you’re living in one of the most expensive cities in Texas?), I decided to simply not return after my upcoming birthday trip to London. The goal was simple: live on less, pay off my almost 200k in debt, and maximize the income I had to that point. And for a bonus sidequest, why not get my mental and physical health in order? Because if there’s one thing I’m GREAT at, it’s overwhelming myself with multiple, high-achieving, hard-to-reach goals at once.

And honestly, once the journey began, all went pretty smoothly… Right up until June/July of last year. I was in South Korea, and shit hit the proverbial fan with all the force of a BTS army stampede… chaotic, unstoppable, and more than a little terrifying. The start-up stopped paying, the AI side gig I landed just before leaving the States restructured, and my investment disappeared. 10-12k guaranteed evaporated to less than 4k literally overnight, and I was still paying my son’s 2k monthly rent back in Dallas.

So, needless to say, my financial health deteriorated very quickly, and by the time I got to non-budget-friendly Barbados in August, my mental health and will to keep pushing forward went with it. I spiraled, made a series of poor financial and personal decisions, and by the time I went back to the States for the holidays in November, I was broken.

Wandering through China Town Temples…

… and markets.

As my income dried up and I was not able to replace it, my credit, of course, also tanked. While a discussion for another day, it’s absolutely bullshit that all the working, striving, and building toward decent credit for over a decade can be wiped out with just a few months of bad luck and missed payments. Despite the setbacks, I was making progress in some areas, especially my physical health, and was therefore determined to continue my plan of traveling my way to a better life. My son and his partner decided to move in together, I threw all of my stuff in storage, and I booked a one-way ticket to Thailand, arriving on my 40th birthday.

Flash forward to today (because if you want all the nitty-gritty details of the past 17 months, you can read my other posts at your own pace), and I’ve embraced the process of taking each stage of this journey one day at a time.

And today I’m sitting in a very cute little studio apartment, this time in the city-center part of Bangkok, clacking away at the keyboard while my son sleeps on the couch next to me. Jetlag has won the battle, and he’s enjoying his vacation to the fullest by sleeping past noon and eating all the Fantaun his 21-year-old heart desires. He’s visiting me for two weeks, and while we could be having an epic adventure and doing all the things all the time, there is something quite freeing and comforting in embracing the mundane of the day-to-day we had before life separated us.

While I’ll recap all of the things, food, and activities we did enjoy in a post after he leaves, this post is more about my decided path forward and how I’m choosing to tackle the next, at least 3 years, of my life. And while my initial goal was to get my life in order, it’s now time to live intentionally. And to that end, I’m going to be rewriting the guidelines of what it means to create a successful life. I’m embracing this experiment for what it is, knowing I have no intention of moving back to the States anytime during this current administration, and perhaps, not even shortly thereafter.

Playing with drones in the alleyways of Watthana

My only timeline will be dictated by my son and his choice, should he make it, to one day start a family. I was so busy just trying to keep my son alive as a single mother over the first twenty years of his life, I know I missed out on so many little things, and I have no intention of repeating that cycle with any future grandkids. So until then, it’s time to live.

Since being in Thailand, I started rebuilding my design business while simultaneously grappling with the idea of declaring bankruptcy. I mentioned it before, and have been fighting pulling the trigger ever since, believing doing so would mean just one more knot in a string of seemingly endless failures. However, a year removed from regular, steady income, and removing myself from the notion I need to live by certain societal standards, I now know it is the right choice to make.

And since making that decision, I’ve felt lighter, freer, and mentally healthier than I have in a long time, if ever. In the months that have passed, I’ve secured new design clients, been hired as a paid writer, and begun paying off any remaining debt the bankruptcy won’t clear, like my Invisalign treatment, my business line of credit, etc. I’ve also been able to start investing in myself: getting some tattoos removed, creating even healthier workout and food habits, addressing the hair loss issue that started in Barbados, and of course, buying my son a plane ticket to visit. And while the bankruptcy is still in progress, not having to spend every waking minute of every day worried about how I’m going to survive has given me the headspace to really figure out how I want to continue showing up on this journey.

Baby Einstein has entered the chat 😀

Maybe I think these are artistic selfies, or maybe they just feed my ego. The end result is the same. LOL

I am no longer in a position where I have to take on work or projects I don’t want to do or enjoy in order to survive, and to that end, I simply don’t. If you know me, you know I’ve run a graphic/web/product design freelancing business since 2019. Until the startup, it was my only income, and while I’m good at it, I honestly find no joy in it. It’s a means to never have to work for another company again, and to pay the bills, and that’s it.

Writing this blog and getting paid to write for other people has only further proven that point, and as the last few months have evolved, I find myself taking on fewer design projects and, honestly, less work in general. And that brings me to now. I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up or what my purpose is, but I know I’ve found more joy and adventure in documenting my escape from the trappings of the so-called American Dream than I have in doing any other form of work.

And doing so on my own terms has set up how I’m moving forward. I am not a typical travel writer or a curated lifestyle content creator. There’s nothing wrong with that approach; it’s just not me. My shit is not cutesy, I don’t follow trends, and I don’t put together short-form content discussing the best place to get skin treatments in Barcelona or how to avoid landing in the hospital while in Bangkok. I’ve never done what everyone else is doing, and I don’t plan on starting now.

I’m obsessed with all things mango, and this pana cotta from Babbychino did not disappoint!

Jae wanted pad thai, and Sit and Wonder was well worth the walk…

That being said, instead of continuing to build a design business I don’t enjoy, or write solely for other publications as a means to pay the bills, I’m going to channel that same energy and time into designing a life of fun, and enjoyment, traveling the world on my own terms, and documenting all I see and learn along the way. I’ll work just enough to pay the bare minimum bills and put the rest toward adventures, excursions, outings with friends, and to truly start living. Because if the last 17 months have taught me nothing else, it’s been made clear that we no longer have to live by the rules and expectations society sets out for us: as women, as single mothers, as human beings just tired of living in a world that is cruel and constantly trying to tear each other down.

So, while I was at one point treating this as an experiment of living in different parts of the world, spending at least 2-3 months in every location (I’ll have been in Thailand for almost ten months when this leg is all said and done) to make as much financial progress as possible, moving forward, I’m going to start traveling and LIVING even more. I’ll be in Bangkok, Hong Kong, Bali, and Phuket before I head back to the States for the holidays, and I’m going to try my hand at this content creation thing along the way. I’m going to conquer my fear of speaking on videos and putting myself out there, and I’m simply going to show up as authentically as possible in hopes of connecting with others during the journey.

I bought a drone, I’m investing in a GoPro, and the first half of next year will be spent snorkeling, eating fresh fruit on balconies, and, dare I say, even dating (if only for the plot) in various picturesque locales, including Zanzibar, the Dominican Republic, and the US Virgin Islands. In the four months between now and then, I’m going to find my voice, get comfortable in front of the camera, send brand and collaboration pitches, and wrap up any loose ends that will keep me from living the most intentional and simultaneously freest life.

Mainfesting the Caribbeaan Seas of my near future…

No matter the destination, the path is always forward…

During the process, I’ll document the steps I take to try to monetize this journey (in writing and on socials), and truly live my life on my own accord, staying true to myself and creating my own rules, in hopes that it will help others do the same. I’ll do my best to create more travel content and guides for those who are interested, while still steering away from the cliche, oversaturated topics and visuals that are already out there. I’ll try to live every day with intention, and remember that what I’m doing today is creating the path for my future, and that that future doesn’t need to make sense, or be acceptable to anyone else but me.

So yeah, this isn’t the path I pictured, but it’s the one I’ve inadvertently created, and weirdly enough, it’s working, possibly better than any “plan” I’ve ever had. I’m not getting out of debt because my original plan worked; I’m crawling out by declaring bankruptcy and moving forward lighter, freer, and as a truer version of myself. I’m making progress in other areas of my life based on my terms, and mine alone. I am successful. I am happy, simply because I choose to be. And that, in and of itself, might be my biggest win to date.

Next week, my son and I are throwing ourselves out of a plane (on purpose for some reason?!?), and I can’t think of a better metaphor for starting over. It’s a reminder that sometimes the scariest, most backwards-looking choices end up being the ones that finally set us free. And I plan on taking full advantage of my newfound audacity and riding this momentum straight into whatever ridiculous, beautiful chaos comes with it.